So I Can Be Proud Of You
by ne0maxiz00mdweebie
Summary: In their second year of Junior High, Chris and Gordie get away from Castle Rock for the weekend after Chris has yet another run-in with his dad. They visit old places as a duo, once a foursome, and continue to learn more about each other and themselves. Slash in later chapters, don't read if it offends. M/M. Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1 - I need to get out

Shit.

White t-shirt, blue jeans, blonde hair. There was no mistaking Chris Chambers. And that's why I panicked as I made out his figure walking across the lawn from my bedroom window. He didn't look up at me to signal that he was here, somehow. Usually, he'd throw a stone at my window and he'd never miss. He simply walked towards the door, head down.

My dad didn't approve of any of my friends. Chris especially. I knew that he hated when I brought them home, so I had stopped doing that, as much as it annoyed them. Chris especially. I couldn't pretend that I wasn't home, just to stop him from coming in. Besides, my parents were home too, so they'd know anyway.

I could only hope that Chris would keep his voice down and refrain from touching _anything_ in the house. Either that, or just accept the wrath of my dad afterwards. That's the only time he didn't ignore me. When he wanted to call me out on something. I had grown used to how this family worked after Denny's death. But just because I had grown accustomed to it, it didn't make it any better or any more bearable.

When I heard the hard knock on the door downstairs, I considered leaving my room quickly to get to the door first. Perhaps I could walk straight out of the house and come up with an excuse as to why we can't stay indoors. We could go to the treehouse. But one of my parents had gotten there first because just seconds later, I heard Chris' voice. "Is Gordie home?"

There was a mumbling, a pause, another mumbling, and then hurried footsteps nearing the top of the stairs. I tossed a few things from my bed, clearing it so Chris had somewhere to sit.

"Hey," I said as the door opened, my attention on the magazine I had been reading earlier before I had taken a break to look outside and noticed Chris.

The door closed in reply and when Chris said nothing, I looked up to make sure it was really him.

"Shit, Chris, what happened?" He wasn't looking at me. In fact, it was pretty damn clear that he was trying to avoid eye contact. But I could see his face clearly. Every angle and defined feature, the curving tip of his nose... right to the bruise circling his right eye.

He did his best to shrug it off. Tough Chris Chambers with his 'who gives a shit?' attitude. But there was more to this, otherwise he wouldn't have been standing in my bedroom.

"Sit down." I closed my magazine and sat up, eyeing him and hoping that he'd say something to break the silence. I didn't know what to expect. He'd either pretend that everything was okay or he'd release everything he had been bottling up. Because he did bottle things up and I knew it more than I knew how much he wanted to leave this place.

I was relieved when he came and sat by my side. For a moment, I was convinced that he'd let his anger out on the things in my bedroom. What would my dad say then?

He was still silent, though the expression on his face suggested that he wanted to say something. I gave him a gentle nudge in the arm and tried to encourage him. "Chris, what happened? Are you-"

"That fucking bastard." Chris cut me off with three breathless words and I knew he was about to cry. Probably because he was so angry. "That _fucker._" His voice broke and my prediction was correct. Tears stained the fresh bruise which decorated his eye.

That 'fucker' was Chris' dad. I knew it as soon as I had spotted the shiner. Either his dad or his brother. But he never looked so bothered, so _upset_, when he had fought with his brother.

I frowned. I didn't know what to say. There wasn't much to say. I knew his situation at home and I knew that he was always at risk of getting a beating from his dad, whether he had done something to deserve it or not. I sighed and my arm automatically fell around his shoulders. The same one-armed hug he always offered to comfort me and any of his friends.

"He's so fucking selfish." Chris spoke up after a few moments of silence. He had stopped sobbing, but his cheeks were still wet with tears. His voice was low and a little croaky, a little reluctant too - as if he wasn't sure whether to invite me into his problems or not. "I've never, ever, known someone so-" He trailed off, obviously unsure of how to complete his sentence.

"What happened?" I asked quietly. My eyes were fixed on him, though he seemed adamant to keep his own gaze elsewhere, anywhere, as long as he wasn't looking back at me.

He shook his head before letting it fall into the palms of his hands.

My stomach dropped. I hated seeing Chris upset. It was because it was a rarity. He rarely let his pretence slip, even though I knew he wasn't as brave as he liked to think he was. Chris believed he could protect anyone around him, deserving of protection anyway. He needed to be protected too, but he wouldn't admit that to himself. Ever.

"I need to get away from here," Chris mumbled into his hands, but I managed to understand each word.

I rubbed his shoulder. "You could stay here, but..." I frowned. I didn't particularly want to finish my words.

"I know." Chris glanced up at me. "Your dad would hate that. It's okay. I don't want to stay here though, Gordie. In this town. I need to get out."

I didn't know what to suggest. It sounded as though Chris was up for running away and I wouldn't put it past him. But we were only fifteen years old, in the second year of Junior High. Even Chris, who was the most mature and grown up thirteen year old I knew, wouldn't be able to survive out there alone. We had nothing. No money, no place to go.

I didn't want him to go. He'd go alone because he'd want me to stay in education, achieve whatever I can and meet my aspirations. He'd go alone because he'd want me to stay at home with my parents. They'd lost a child already. But if he went, he'd never come back.

"Then let's get out of here." I said suddenly, forming a plan in my mind as I spoke. I didn't want Chris to run away because I wouldn't be able to let him do it by himself. Even if I stayed here, it wouldn't be the same without him. He was the one who made Castle Rock seem less boring and actually bearable. He made long days better and good days good and bad days not so bad.

"What?" He was still looking up at me. Now, his brows were furrowed in question and confusion.

"Let's get out of here." I repeated. "Just for a while. For a weekend." We'd done it before, why not once more?

For the first time since he had arrived, a soft smile broke the sullen exterior. He nodded.

Chris had stayed the night.

After trying everything I could to cheer him up, at least slightly, I had gone downstairs to make us a drink. My mom asked about Chris. She must have noticed the bruise too. It was hard to miss the obnoxious colours of blue, pink and purple. While she had opened the topic, I decided to steal my chance and go ahead and ask. I just couldn't send Chris home, even if it meant camping out in the treehouse instead. She agreed to it. One night only though.

We had settled down early. We shared my bed. We had to top and tail and it was a pretty tight squeeze, but we managed. In just a few hours, we'd be sleeping in much more uncomfortable conditions, so we'd have to get used to it.

The next morning came and we both suffered with aches in our backs, shoulders and necks. After a few hours, we'd forgotten about those and moved on to packing our things instead. We learned from our mistake and remembered the food. I managed to near enough empty the fridge and cupboards in the kitchen, hiding the food and drinks in my bag instead, without getting caught. I told my mom that we were staying at Teddy's for the weekend, though we hadn't spoke to him for quite a while. She didn't know any better and took my word as gospel.

It was like déjà vu. We left Castle Rock and made it to the tracks. We were practically re-tracing the steps of our last adventure, but we didn't mind and we weren't in a hurry. Chris and I weren't searching for a missing body, we were getting away. We were enjoying our time away from broken households and the lifeless town we lived in. It was grand.

The sun was disappearing from the sky and we had been walking all day. We'd only stopped once to sit down for fifteen minutes. The water we carried had grown warm and stale and it was no longer a form of refreshment; just a reminder of how tired we were and how quickly the heat had been swallowing us. But as the sun set, the whole atmosphere around us was much cooler and we found a patch in an opening in the trees and set up for the evening.

"This is great," Chris muttered, a cigarette between his lips. He seemed to be in higher spirits and I was glad. He still hadn't told me what had happened, though I suppose I already knew. It was normal for his dad to lash out at him for no apparent reason once he had had a drink. Then again, it was also normal for that to occur during his dad's rare sober moments.

I smiled and inhaled on my cigarette. "It is," I agreed.

For the rest of the evening, we spoke nonsense. We also spoke about school work, but that was very brief and Chris changed the subject as soon as he could. We spoke about people we had to put up with in school and the girls in school who had shown us any form of attention. We spoke about Teddy and Vern until the sky grew black and the only light source was the poorly built fire between us and the tips of our cigarettes.

"Chris?" I broke the silence.

"Yeah, Lachance?"

"What happened?" I tossed my cigarette end onto the floor and eyed Chris curiously. Chris could deal with almost anything his dad threw at him. His fist, words, anything. It was unusual to seem him so... affected.

"My fucking dad punched me in the face, what do you think?" His tone wasn't harsh, in fact, it seemed as though he was trying to make the conversation humorous.

I sighed and crossed my legs, still staring at him intently. "No, seriously, Chris. Why were you so upset?"

"Isn't that a good enough reason?" I couldn't tell whether he was irritated.

"Yeah," I nodded, "yeah, it is. But I've never seen you upset after a fight with your dad. I thought you were used to it."

"Used to it?" Chris let out a short laugh and began to set up his bed.

"You know what I mean."

"Sure I do, Gordie."

Frowning, I copied Chris and laid out my covers and pillows. I was tired after the walk and welcomed sleep already. I didn't even know what time it was and I had no intention of checking. What was the point? We weren't aiming to get somewhere by a certain time. We were aiming to get away from home. As far as possible.


	2. Chapter 2 - Swimming

Chris had stirred before me. When I woke up, he was sat on his heap of blankets, a cigarette hanging from his lips. He looked tired and it didn't take a genius to figure out he hadn't had much sleep. Glancing over at me, he gave me a brief nod of acknowledgement, before resuming his thoughts. I wondered what he was thinking about, but I didn't ask. I'd only just woke up and I wasn't ready for an argument or a rant or a confession. I needed a drink and something to eat first, at least.

Rummaging through my backpack, I realised I hadn't brought much food suitable for breakfast, so we both settled for a bar of chocolate and a carton of milk. We didn't really care, we weren't the type to fuss over food. Food wasn't the point of this whole trip. It was the escape.

Neither of us knew how this trip would conclude; where we would end up, when we would get back, how we would pass the days. But I was content not knowing for once, and I think Chris was too.

The sun beat down on us as we continued to walk and the bottle of water we shared was rapidly running out and turning warm. We walked in complete silence for a while. I enjoyed the sound of our feet on hard concrete ground, the sound of our feet crunching on stones and gravel and the inaudible sound of our feet as we walked through grass. It was a comfortable silence as it always was. Chris and I were rarely uneasy around each other, no matter what situation we were in. Again, I wondered what Chris was thinking about. His father? The bruise around his eye was still vivid, but the purple was slowly fading into yellow.

We passed a few bridges but never crossed them, until we came across a single wooden bridge with a small lake beneath it. We hadn't crossed this bridge before. The last time we left home was with Teddy and Vern, and we hadn't headed in this direction. Thankfully, the wooden bridge held no train tracks and we were safe to cross.

"Hey, Gordie?" Chris' voice made me jump. I'd adapted to our silence.

"Yeah?" I turned back to see that Chris had stopped halfway across the bridge and was leaning over one side, looking down at the water.

"Doesn't it look great?"

I wandered over to him and stood by his side. The clear water below us reflected the beams of the sun. It looked as though the whole of it was sparkling and glittering, as if it was magic. Just an illusion. The sky was a sheen of blue and that was all. No clouds. Just a lot of blue and a ball of yellow in one corner.

Chris nudged me. "Hey, if we get warm, at least we've found a place to swim and cool off."

I grinned and nodded. It really was tempting. The heat made me want to strip out of my clothes and just jump straight into the water from the edge of the bridge. It looked very clean and clear and cool. "Yeah, maybe we should. I'm cooking." I tugged at the neck of my t-shirt.

"Well, let's walk for a bit. If we don't come across anything else to do, we'll come back. Yeah?"

I agreed to it, though when we continued to walk, I glanced over my shoulder a couple of times, wishing I could be in the water, shielding myself against the sun's heat.

After what felt like at least an hour, we grew tired and decided to rest for a while. There was a complete open space of fields and there didn't seem to be much beyond it. We could probably walk for hours before seeing something more than green hills in the distance. We knew that we shouldn't be there, we shouldn't be making ourselves at home, because we had to climb over a gate to pass through. It seemed completely empty though, and there was no building anywhere in sight. We were safe for now.

"Come on, Lachance, what've you got?"

I emptied the contents of my backpack onto the grass we sat on. There were more water bottles and thankfully, they were cool as they had been shaded in my bag. Chris took one and drank; he stopped just after halfway. I'd been convinced that he'd finish it right there and then without taking a breath and I wouldn't blame him, I was thirsty too.

We opened a packet of Red Vines and sat for a while, talking about nothing in particular while we ate. There was an oak tree towering over us where we sat, creating a haven of shade and we were able to relax without burning in the sun.

"I wish we didn't have to go back," I thought out loud. My eyes fixed on Chris who nodded in agreement.

"Same here, man. I wouldn't, if it wasn't for school. That's our only way out of here, Gordie."

I nodded and said nothing.

Chris Chambers had finally accepted the fact that he was better than whatever Castle Rock had to offer him, which really wasn't much. We enrolled in the same classes and he didn't end up taking Shop. Most weekends, we'd do our work together. He never struggled too much, though he needed a boost every now and again. I was glad he had said 'our' just now. He usually relapsed when something had happened at home. He'd give up for a few days and tell me he'd accepted the reality of his future. But now, despite whatever had gone on between himself and his dad, he was set on leaving and set on becoming successful.

The future was all Chris and I had to look forward to. After high school and college, we'd be free to get away from here. We could go wherever we wanted to go. Chris had no ideas in mind, he didn't care, as long as he wasn't here. He'd mentioned leaving together, and I often hoped he hadn't forgotten about that.

Full on sugar, we packed up and got to our feet. "Where are we going now?"

"You're not going anywhere, Lachance." Chris teased, his voice sounding out my surname slowly, the way it always did just before he tormented me. He grabbed me and tackled me down to the ground and that was how we spent the next twenty minutes or so, rolling around on the floor, play-fighting. It must have been the sugar.

When I finally accepted defeat, we got up off the ground, our clothes stained from the grass and dry mud. We really were hot now, after messing around like that. "Lake?" Chris suggested.

By the time we arrived back at the bridge we had crossed earlier, I had drank almost a full bottle of water and Chris had taken off his t-shirt, which had soon been made into his own fan. The water continued to sparkle the way it had when we first laid eyes on it and after the draining walk, it looked more welcoming than ever. Stripped down to just our underwear, we raced each other to the edge of the bridge. Chris fell down first. I could have beaten him, but I hesitated just before the jump.

"Come on, man!" Chris shouted up at me, his voice rather quiet from where I was standing.

I closed my eyes and threw myself off the edge. I was expecting the drop to go on for a while, to sort of proceed in slow motion. Instead, I hit the water almost immediately after my jump.

I was also expecting the temperature to make me gasp, but it wasn't freezing or even cold. It was cool and it was great.

Chris swam towards me, closing the gap between us. "Better?"

"Much better." I grinned at Chris who was grinning back. His hair was soaked, making the colour of it a shade darker than usual. Only our shoulders peeped above the lake, the rest of our bodies hidden, and I could see Chris' neck covered with drops of water, running down his skin. The bruise around his eye stood out more than ever in the rays of the sun and I felt compelled to bring up the discussion once again, but I fought against the urge and allowed it to rest.

We swam for a while at a slow pace and then had a couple of races. I won one or two of them, but I knew that Chris had purposely decreased his own speed to let me get ahead. Now we were just floating, still cooling down.

Chris was by my side. The sun hit his skin, turning him golden. His eyes were even brighter than usual. He was looking back at me and I wondered if he was staring at my every detail too. His eyes practically pierced my skin, but they gave nothing away. Chris could be noting down every detail of my current appearance, just as I was doing, or he could be thinking about a piece of homework he had to do. I could never be sure with him.

"What are you thinking about, Gordo?" Chris swam nearer to me and dropped an arm around my shoulders. I was just about to ask him the same thing.

"Not much." I shrugged the truth off. It would have been weird to say 'whether you were thinking about me'. "School stuff."

"School stuff?" Chris repeated, a tone of disbelief carried through the air. "You're thinking of school stuff! Have you even looked around you? You don't need to think about that stuff, man."

Smiling, I wrapped my own arm around Chris' shoulders, knotting mine across his. "If I don't think about it, you won't."

We spent a few more minutes in the water; not moving, our arms still around each other. The sun seemed forever lasting and a part of me would not have been surprised if it didn't set that night. But eventually, it would, and as we dragged ourselves out of the water, it was already low in the sky. We lay on the side for a while, using the sun as our own dryer, until our bodies had soaked up most of the water.

Re-dressed and much cooler, we sat on the edge of the wooden bridge, overlooking the still motion of the lake we had disturbed just twenty minutes earlier. The sun was in our eye line and I had a feeling we'd be sat here until it set.

"How are your folks doing?"

I was surprised at Chris' question. He must have been thinking about my predicament with them to ask so suddenly. He didn't really want to know how they were personally. He was asking if they were still ignoring me and generally being difficult. If I was playing adult and they were playing children. "Just the usual, y'know. Same old, same old."

"Yeah." Chris sighed quietly. He hated how my parents treated me. I acknowledged now that their treatment was uncalled for, but I felt that Chris had it much worse off. He'd disagree with me though, if I told him. My dad didn't drink himself into a mess and he didn't punch me in the face. I often thought that I'd rather that though. I'd rather him just express his hatred towards me physically because it would hurt less, but each time I saw a new mark on Chris' body, I was instantly against that idea.

"How's your mom?" I asked, wanting to change the subject. Chris' mom was nothing like his father or his older brother. Thankfully, Chris took after her more than any other Chambers. Physically too. He had the same nose and the same eyes and the same blonde hair. More than anything, I had always wished - throughout the years of our friendship - that some day, Mrs Chambers would summon the courage to leave with Chris. They both deserved better. I couldn't blame her for being afraid or being a pushover, but at the same time, it bothered me that she didn't do much to protect her youngest son.

"Busy. Working and stuff. But she's okay."

Chris' mom had to work to keep their house running. Eyeball spent his days causing trouble with Ace Merrill, and Chris' dad, well, that went without saying. She had a job in a little cafe in Castle Rock. She had to work extra hours to earn more money. The job didn't pay much. Chris rarely saw her nowadays. She was always working and he was always at school. She worked at the weekends too and I was sure that she didn't just work extra hours for the money, she wanted to get away from that house.

We sat in silence, staring down at the lake. Chris was first to break it.

"Gordie?" He was still looking out at the water, but it seemed as though he was looking straight through it.

"Yeah?"

"My dad wants me to drop out of school."


	3. Chapter 3 - Old friends

[**A/N: **Just a quick note to point out a mistake I made in Chapter 1. The boys are fifteen in my fic, but I slipped up and wrote they were thirteen. It has been fixed now. Also, thanks for the reviews so far, guys - you're my encouragement.]

"What? Why?" I sat up straight and stole my gaze away from the lake, fixing it on Chris instead. Chris had more than he knew going for him, but he did know that school was his ticket out of this place. He was always determined when it came to his studies and unlike most kids our age, he rarely complained when he had work to do.

"I said it before, Gordie. He's selfish. He's a selfish bastard." Chris shrugged his shoulders fiercly, as if he was trying to shrug his dad from his life while he was at it. "I came in from school and he was there, waiting for me. My mom had just left for work, I think. He was already angry and I knew something was coming. He hit me because I said no, because I want to fucking make something of myself. I don't want to be like him, Gordie."

"You're not like him, Chris. You never will be."

Chris shrugged again and brought his knees up to his chest. "He wants me to drop out of school to find a job. Part-time, I guess. He wants me to be making money, not wasting my time with nothing to show for it. That's what he said."

I should have known. Why else would his dad want him to drop out? School wasn't a bad thing and it did nothing to harm his dad and his fucked up lifestyle. It was the money. The money that his dad should be bringing in, not Chris.

"They must've been arguing, my mom and my dad, just before I got home. My mom's always worrying about money and I've thought about getting a job before. I guess she reminded him how pissed off she was that he sits on his ass all day when he could be working too. He wouldn't give up his drink for shit."

"What about Eyeball? Did your dad say anything to him?"

"What do you think? Eyeball's just like my dad. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad was proud of him. No, he didn't say a thing because he knows Eyeball won't take that shit from him any more."

We sat in silence for the next twenty minutes or so. The sun was low in the sky now; settling upon the line of the shimmering water, meeting its own reflection. Pink and orange had replaced the prominent blue of the sky around us. In an hour or so, the sky would be blue again - navy.

"What are you gonna do?"

"I dunno."

"You're not gonna drop out, are you?" I frowned and picked at the wooden planks which made the bridge up.

"No. I don't want to. I just..." Chris trailed off and looked up at me. "I need to do something to help my mom out. I feel useless, Gordie."

I shook my head. "You shouldn't feel useless, Chris. Let your dad do that."

Chris laughed softly and shook his head. "That'll be the day."

After sitting on the bridge until dark, we decided we ought to find a place to sleep. It was Saturday night. If we were to get home for school, this would be our last night away from the streets of Castle Rock. School was important and we couldn't miss it, but I didn't want to go back. Despite the lack of clean clothing, substantial food and general comfort, this temporary lifestyle suited me. It suited us.

By the time we came across the nearest clearing, it was dark. Chris started a fire, more for the light than the warmth, and we sat by it.

"Cigarette?" Chris striked a match and lit the stick which rested between his lips.

I nodded, though I didn't really care whether I had one or not. It was something to do, something to keep me busy. I accepted the cigarette from Chris and waited for him to light it, before inhaling its contents and exhaling slowly.

We made small talk, but the conversation never went back to Chris and his dad.

It was peaceful. The fire crackled quietly, its flames small and almost still. It was close to dying. The odd bird cooed into the night and the light breeze caused leaves to rustle. But I was still awake.

"Chris?" It was only a whisper, but it echoed through the empty space we shared.

"Yeah?"

I was hoping for a reply, I wanted Chris to be awake too. I hated that moment and that feeling, when you were the only one awake and everybody else was asleep. But Chris' voice was loud and certain, not sleepy as if he had been in and out of sleep. He'd been awake too.

"I can't sleep."

We sat up and Chris stoked the fire, bringing it back to life and lighting up the forest. One of his blankets were draped around his shoulders. He looked cold. I didn't mind. I wasn't cold. I sat upon my blankets and pillows, steadying myself opposite Chris. I wondered what time it was, but I didn't bother to check. There was no point, and the realisation that we were sat in an isolated forest in the early hours of the morning would only nag away at me. I didn't need the confirmation.

Finally, Chris spoke up. "Why can't you sleep?"

"I dunno. I just can't." I questioned myself. There was seldom a reason as to why I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't. It happened sometimes. "Thinking of stuff, I guess."

"What stuff?" Chris was looking at me now, though he was mindlessly stabbing the centre of the fire with a broken branch part that he had found on the ground beside him.

"School. Home." I paused and decided to change the conversation from family life and education, to something that had also been on mind - not just that night, but for a while. "Teddy and Vern."

For just a very brief moment, the motion of Chris' arm paused and stopped, but started up again. "Teddy and Vern? What about them?"

I shrugged. "Being out here reminded me of them. It's just a little weird, you know, not having them around."

Teddy and Vern had dropped out of our lives suddenly. Chris had been right - nothing would be the same and we'd be split up. Luckily, I still had Chris, he came along with me. The other two, they went their own ways and on the rare occasion I saw them, we were strangers to each other. We were best friends not long ago, but things changed.

"Yeah, it is a little weird." Chris agreed with me and I was glad. "Do you miss them?"

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be a pussy if I said yes, but I didn't even know the answer. I did miss them... and I didn't. "Half and half." I admitted. Teddy, well, there was only so much you could take of Teddy. Above all though, he had been a good friend and I missed certain aspects of the times we'd spent together. At the same time, I knew where his life was headed and so did he. He didn't care though. It seemed he wanted his life to head that way, and I didn't have time for that. Vern was a good guy and I missed him too. But just like Teddy, his future was practically planned out for him.

Chris nodded. "Me too."

Surprisingly, we spoke more of the pair. Chris complained about certain things that Teddy had done, we laughed at certain things that Vern had said, then we spoke about our previous adventure outside of Castle Rock - something we very rarely did. It was almost a secret, just between the four of us. I liked that. Though, now, it was just between Chris and I. The gun, the train, Ace Merrill, the body. Every last detail was fresh in our minds and if we wanted to recall it all, we could. But we didn't. We spoke mostly of our journey there and made the odd comment about our confrontation with Ace. But we didn't mention Ray Brower - the body - the whole reason we left the comfort of our homes and entered something bigger - we left that part out.

Something else began to trouble me. I wouldn't have thought on it, if we hadn't mentioned Teddy and Vern. But it sprung up on me suddenly and chased me down - like my first near-death experience with the train. Teddy and Vern, the two friends who we had done everything with and who we had seen practically every day, they had vanished from our lives faster than kids leaving school at home time. Would it be the same for Chris and I? Would we eventually lose interest in each other's lives and would the distance tear our friendship in two? Would I never know what came of Chris Chambers and whether he had made the life he had always dreamed up for himself? Would I be leaving Castle Rock alone, or would I be left behind? I couldn't help but question myself. Chris was my best friend and I had never considered life without him. He was the one who heard my tales about Denny, he was the one who told me that my dad was just a bastard who knew shit, he was the one who trusted me enough to cry in front of me. But in that moment, after talking about the other two guys, I realised that anything could happen. The friends you liked most disappeared in seconds, your brother died and left you in a heartbeat and your dad was unaware of your existence. There was nothing stopping Chris from leaving me - whether it was through a man-made choice or a natural disaster.

"Gordie?" The sound of a familiar voice knocked me straight back into reality, back into the forest in front of the fire. I was staring down at my own hands. "Gordie?"

"Mm?" I looked up to see Chris watching me, his eyes narrowed curiously.

"Welcome back. What you thinking about?"

I didn't know whether to put my thoughts out there and share them with Chris. He could help me and perhaps influence me to think differently. But there was a chance that he'd trouble me even more. What if, for once, he was also uncertain? What if he didn't know what was to come of us?

"Hello," Chris' sing-song voice brought me back again, "are you in there? Earth to Gordo."

"Sorry," I mumbled and shook my head. "I was just thinking of us."

"What do you mean?"

I shrugged. I didn't know where to start. It was stupid having to explain myself to Chris. He'd find me pathetic. "We don't see Teddy or Vern any more. Do you think that might happen to us?"

Chris tossed his cigarette onto the ground and I watched the tip slowly fade out. I hadn't even realised that he was smoking. He answered probably almost immediately, but it seemed like a long wait. I was hoping to hear something good and reassuring, something that would put my mind at ease. And that's what I got. But what seemed to be a lifelong wait to hear it was my payback. With something good came something bad.

"No way, man." Chris shook his head and he sounded so certain that I couldn't help but smile for the first time that night. "That's not gonna happen. I won't let it."

I nodded. "And, Chris?"

"Yeah, Gordie?"

I paused and ordered the words I wanted to say in my mind first. Words always sounded better in your mind. They sounded less irritating, less desperate and less pussy. "You said a while ago that we'd leave together. Will we?"

Chris grinned. "There's no way that I'm staying here and I'm not leaving without you."

Again, he sounded certain and all at once, I felt relieved, happy and anxious.

After another cigarette and a brief conversation about TV shows, we gave sleep another chance. The sky was still dark all around us. It was almost as if time had stood still. It hadn't, unfortunately. It continued to move by quickly.

I was opposite Chris, wrapped up in the few blankets I had brought along with me. Just like the previous night, my head was resting on one rather flat pillow and I'd have an aching neck in the morning. Chris was facing me from the other side of the fire, but his eyes were closed. He wasn't sleeping, we had only just said 'goodnight' to each other. Nobody managed to drift off to sleep that quickly. Apart from my dad those few nights after Denny's funeral when he had drank a little too much. And, come to think of it, Chris' dad too then.

Even though my mind had been reassured, sleep was proving difficult to come by. I tried regardless because I knew that I wouldn't have the energy to sit up the next day, never mind the tiring journey home.

I watched Chris. It was strangely relaxing, watching somebody else sleep - or the process in which one drifted into sleep. It was comforting too. His bruised eye was emphasised by the flames of the fire which set a yellow-orange glow upon his face. When he came to me, just a couple of days ago, he was upset and angry and tense, and the bruise had been much more prominent and obnoxious. It laughed in my face and glared at me. It made Chris Chambers feel worthless. Now, it wasn't so intimidating, not as he slept. His face was much more relaxed and it was clear that his dad wasn't in his dreams. He was dreaming of something good. Maybe the day he graduated, or the day he got down on one knee and asked the person he loved to marry him. Maybe he was dreaming about endless card games in the tree house or cold drinks at my place in the Summer. Whatever it was, it transformed him. He was always gentle and after you knew him for a little while, his tough exterior melted away and no longer existed. But this was different. He was completely comfortable and at ease with the world around him. He wasn't in Castle Rock or that house he shared with Eyeball Chambers. He was far away. And I envied him.


End file.
